Through the air, thick with smoke and the reek of sour sweat, stale beer, and sub-par spirits, you hear a voice ring out, then another. Can you even make sense of such cacophany? Straining to adjust to this raucous establishment, a familiar timbre communicates itself to you… Will you listen? will you let yourself be drawn into this disreputable crowd? Come, come, my friend, take yourself a drink and open up your ears…
(Can you b'lieve it? Dis poxy cunt's bin inna' fo'ress about foiv fackin times, and 'ere 'e iz tawkin' laik 'e's sum kinda ve'eran! Iffin 'e knawz anyfing, it'd be 'ow ta run away an' let summa dem uddah right fooz git sliced an' diced, you ask me. Camon, den, let's go 'ave a butcher's. Might be 'e's good fo' a laugh, eh? Right cunt, you ask me, jus' lissen to 'im…)
"Ah yes, my friends. I am indeed Zodar Khan, who once claimed to be fearless. Alas! No more. No doubt you have seen the near-endless ranks of bold young clerics, fresh from the seminaries, who come to Fortress Eibon to wipe such chaos from the earth? Oh yes, they are hard to miss. You may not believe it, but only a few short weeks ago, I was one such as these, eagerly trumpeting my inevitable victory in the face of evil.
"But, truly, the great god Orderon is wise, for he has taught me humility, and tempered my hubristic pride! In each of my first two ventures into that vasty, Stygian fortress, I witnessed the death of a fellow cleric of Law. Why, oh why, did I ever trust that man who claimed to be Bonspiel? I see now he must have been one of those detestable Serpenthelms! It seems I must even doubt whether the blue-robed one I saw slaughtered so cruelly was really the wizard Mern or not, for, looking back, I seem to recall he appeared, in his countenance, possessed of far fewer years than had been communicated to me by that kind little girl who has done so very much for me.
"What? Oh yes! The expeditions after that, how humiliating they were! You wish to hear the tale…? Who are you, my good man, the Gecko? Or perhaps you are that fabled lizard, young fellow? Or you, kind sir, oh, I see you listening! No, no! You need not protest, any of you, for it matters not. It is not my wont to keep such secrets to myself, and so nurture poison trees within my heart. But… as must no doubt be quite obvious to any keen observer, I find my tankard bone dry, and well, you see, because of the very adventures I am about to relate, I am now myself in some, shall we say, financial difficulties. Often, indeed I must admit quite constantly at times, I have railed against the evils of drink, but honesty demands that I confess to you all how this abominable, cyclopean fortress has instilled inside of me a thirst like no other… for only drink can quench these loathsome, treasonous memories that swell and bubble to the surface of my fevered imaginings at such times as—
"Ah! Kind lady, a thousand thanks be upon you, your smile is as scintillating as this radiant mead you proffer before me. Indeed, why don't you leave those two with me as well, and bring anther round for these so highly esteemed guests? And you, you have my gratitude, oh gracious sir, for such a bountiful harvest as this. You are lucky to have such coin! Listen up, lend me your ears, and I will tell you of how I lost all of mine, and many more. Let this be a lesson to you all!"
(Did you see 'ow 'e's managed to bilk these marks? Lan' sakes! 'E's a right man 'a da cloff, 'e is, 'ooverin' up dem coins laik dat. 'Asn't even got'n to da stowry yet! Iffin you ask me, 'e'll be too drunk ta stand before 'e even gits to da ransom, dat flash bastard!)
"So, I ditched that snake-headed suicidal. He's no good for anyone, I say, no good at all. Instead, I enlisted a stalwart, salt-of-the-earth dwarf. Those fellows you can trust! I… I just wish I could say the same for me. I left him there, just like I left those others… But as I was saying, of the other two, one was a fighting man from far, far away, with a copper sheen to his skin, and strong, capable hands. Riki, he is called. The second was a suspicious-looking warlock by the name of Bugosa. Indeed, I find it hard to trust such as he, although I cannot say he showed himself any less of a man than myself. To augment our power, we took Mustafah and another from his brotherhood along with us. Would that we had taken more! We might have prevailed.
"Below the locust courtyard, we descended into an ancient pleasure-palace, full of pink marble and shimmering curtains. We had to fight some horrible, blood-sucking birds and a band of reeking lizards in the shape of men, but we managed to haul great sacks full of loot from those sybaritic depths. Would that we had left it there! But we went back, determined to seize more filthy lucre, instead of entering with pure hearts and the intention of restoring law to a world full of chaos. I see now that was our downfall.
"For no sooner had we re-entered that subterranean zone of unwholesome gratification than we found ourselves ambushed and laid low by ninjas. Riki later told me that he sent many of them to whatever hell is reserved for assassins and kidnappers, but I myself cannot say I was long for the fight, for the very first dagger I found in my back was the one that closed my eyes. When I came to, the four of us had been stripped of our gear and ransomed. Floria, that beautiful saviour!, had come to our rescue. Brilliant child that she is, she retrieved the coins that the dwarf and myself had carelessly left within our meagre domicile, and provided the rest from the meagre inheritance her poor, dead parents left to her. Even with what little we had scrounged from within dread Eibon's horrific walls, she announced to us that we would still owe her a total of six thousand gold coins! It shames me to think of how my own miserable, unworthy faults have forced this gracious angel to demand such vulgar recompense from such as we wretches. But, alas!, this is a cruel, felicitous world in which we live, and even little girls need gold to live.
"From what I could tell of their dealings, either one of Riki or Bugosa paid her a small sum, nothing close to the full amount, and I agreed with all three of my companions that we had best return to Fortress Eibon so as to make good on our considerable debt. A most terrible decision, indeed! For we encountered naught but woe. When we returned yet again to that den of antediluvian vice, we were ambushed yet again, this time by foul cultists. When I awoke from their vile sorceries, I could see that Riki and the dwarf were the victims of some appalling spell! They stood there with these grinning child-slaughtering idolaters, arguing about which one was a better friend! There were far too many of them, and Riki is far too skilled an opponent. I could do naught but flee. Yes, shameful, I know! But wait, before you castigate and vilify me, ask yourselves: would you have dared to fight them? Two dozen depraved murderers, led by the strongest man I have ever met, a man born to fight? No, my friends, do not mock me. Even that odious wizard knew his magic was outclassed. He followed close upon my heels, damned lucky to have escaped in one piece. And now? Who knows what villainous perfidy those blackguards have gotten up to? If either of them, dwarf or man, is able to escape their clutches, truly it will be a miracle sent down from Orderon. I shudder to think what sorts of noxious indignations they might be forced to commit, with their minds so clouded by chaos and evil."
"Please, oh benefactor, let me hold one more for the long walk home? Blessings upon you! And… mayhaps one more to drink when I am inside again? Just to help me sleep. These dreams, you see… Yes, I suppose I am not the only one, I must take comfort in the bond we all share, being victims of this strange dark edifice. Once again, I offer you many thanks! I believe I shall be going, if what I see here is really the door of this establishment…"
(An' good riddance ta bad gawbage, I say. Le' 'im go, it'll be too soon the next taim 'e's back 'ere. Better off about six feet undah Fo'ress Eye Bon, you ask me! Right den, 'o's round iz it? It wuz me dat got da last wun, eh…)