79: Fortress Meat Grinder


1 December 2011, at Waves on Broadway.


Columbo, our own Dear Leader.
Mern the Blue, the Man with the Golden Wand.
Ranndy Serpenthelm, recently arrived in Yam and ready for Fortress Eibon!
Ballard, aka Faceman
Melmarack, a cleric of Orderon sent to replace the recently slain Simon Griffonhelm.
Shamus the Blue, cleric of Andraste, Cleric of the Moon, Divination and Rabbit Magic.
The mercenaries Argoth, Arnoth, Brogax and Magug (the big, beefy, hairy one).


Columbo, Mern, and Ballard go back into Fortress Eibon, accompanied by a newly-arrived stranger from the Serpenthelm clan, and a cleric of Orderon, neither of whom find what they're looking for. Columbo gets fuuuuuuuuuucked up and the loot probably doesn't cover the cost to repair his shattered mind.

I. Dig-dug

The Corsairs have a long conversation while poring over their map of gold caches within Fortress Eibon, and finally decide to dig their way to a gold cache that they suspect is immediately below the large courtyard. Taking their newly hired mercenaries with them, and laden down with pick axes and chisels the Corsairs swiftly arrive at the courtyard and begin digging their way towards the gold. Time passes…and after some time, Ballard strikes with his pick and a loud audible pop is heard! Blue goo begins pouring out of the hole. Some also sits on the tip of the pick. Mern tries to burn the goo on the pick but it doesn't seem to burn. Ballard stabs at the goo, causing it to pop. It immediately starts evaporating, revealing a cavity of blue slime.

II. No more beating dead horses

Continuing to dig, Mern suddenly comes flying into the hole that's been dug - due to him being struck from behind by a skeletal horse! The Corsairs asked themselves how the mercenaries, who refused to do any digging, could allow these horses to approach and attack them, but immediate problems with skeletal horses forestalled any discussion. One mercenary, Aragoth, is struck in the head and slain by a horse. Shamus, our new cleric, is struck moments later, blowing his arm right off and knocking him to the ground. Mern is able to dodge the next blows aimed at him. Columbo and Ballard smash up a horse with heavy blows, but it remains standing. Mern manages to get off a magical web, which covers up the mercenaries but manages to tie up a horse. Melmarack is struck with thunderous hooves, but Columbo's next blow destroys one of the three horses. Ballard is then kicked by one of the horses, which manages to mangle his arm. Columbo rained blows upon the one unwebbed horse, and Mern's wand manages to bring that horse down. The Corsairs were then able to beat the webbed horse to pieces, and the mercenaries were then removed from the web.

Returning to town, the Corsairs seek out the Clerics of Law to see about healing their recent wounds. Ballard and Shamus are told their wounds will cost 15,000 gp each to heal. Both lacked the funds; in fact, Shamus was so frustrated by the experience that he left Yam, vowing to never return!

III. The Serpenthelm comeths!

Moments after Shamus left, a dark figure approached the Corsairs. He bore the familiar helm of a Serpenthelm clansman. Columbo recognized him as Rannndy Serpenthelm, who had come to discover the reason behind all the recent Serpenthelm deaths, especially that of Merrigold. The Corsairs then returned to Fortress Eibon.

IV. Old Secrets

Returning to the large courtyard, the Corsairs took a quick look into one of the passages that entered into it, and discovered a massive pile of horse bones in the midst of the remains of an enormous stable. Mern lit a torch to put into the stables, and Ranndy lifted it and placed it into the wood structures using his helm of telekinesis. It became apparent that nothing was going to burn effectively in this room, and the Corsairs decided to head to a set of secret doors that they had discovered in one of their first forays into the Fortress - some secret doors very close to a wooden statue that has spoken to Columbo. Opening the left secret door first revealed two hideous creatures, each as tall as a man; they looked like bloated blobs of flesh sitting atop golden legs, clicking a set of massive mandibles greedily at the party! Columbo wasted no time, and with a single blow slayed a beast. Mern fired his wand at the remaining mutant, blasting it to death. Searching the room, the Corsairs discovered a mass of silver and copper coins and uncovered a long sword on the ground, bearing a copper scabbard with a snake skin motif. Ballard unsheathed it, revealing a beautiful sword inlaid with the imagery of snakes being cut in half. Undoubtably this was the famous blade Scale-Splitter!

V. Stuffage!

Continuing through a series of rooms, the party discovers several caches of treasure, including a brass horn that Mern pocketed and a potion of extra-healing discovered by Melmarack. Columbo also uncovered a massive, 8' tall statue made of white quartz which depicted a figure bearing a halberd, shield and helm. He was otherwise naked, but his genitals had been cut off at some time in the past. As Columbo examined the statue, a voice said "recover my manhood" into Columbo's mind. A set of stairs were also discovered by the Corsairs at this point.

VI. The swords….they do nothing!

A figure suddenly loomed out from the stairs - vaguely manlike, but with no face, it was naked and within its torso were six swords, stabbed into the creature at various angles. Melmarack immediately tried to turn it, but his attempt failed. In return the creature stabbed Melmarack soundly, mortally wounding him in the lung! Mern blasted the monstrosity with his wand, but when Columbo and Ranndy's attacks had succeeded in hitting the creature, they found that their swords became glued to its figure - worse yet, the figure seemed to become strengthed by the additional weapons! Moving much faster now, the thing struck Columbo. Columbo struck back at it with a scabbarded sword and Mern once again blasted it with his wand. Columbo is struck and pulls out a mace. Mern blasts the creature once again, and it still refuses to die! Ranndy punches it, Mern blasts it again and Columbo's mace strike hits, but his mace stuck into the creature! With a vengeance, the creature then strikes at Mern, badly mutilating his leg and knocking him unconscious. Columbo, with a stroke of genius, pulls one of the swords out of the creature, which causes it to immediately fall into a heap of slimy oozy waxy goo. Columbo retrieves the Corsair's swords from the heap and the Corsairs bring the unconscious Malmarack and Mern back to Yam. They are nursed back to health, and Mern is able to identify his new possession as a horn of Valhalla, which can summon forth powerful allies but may only be used by Lawful folk who were skilled in warfare. Mern gave the horn to Malmarack.

VII. Coopers and some Dayglos

Returning to the area of secret doors, the Corsairs opened a door to reveal a room which smelled vilely of sweat and filth. Within it could be seen seven Coopers as well as seven other humanoids - the latter figures were scrawny with black flesh and bearing no features on their faces. Three immediately attacked Columbo, swarming around him. One managed to grab his magical sword - and in that instance, the sword quit glowing!

Seeing this, Mern grew terribly afraid. He sent forth a magical web, which managed to ensnare all of these creatures. Columbo quickly set about slaying all of them. Mern takes a sample of the blood of the black figures in a waterskin for later examination. A substantial pile of electrum and platinum coins is uncovered in the room. This was the last of the rooms behind this particular secret door, so the Corsairs headed to the other secret door which they had found near the wooden statue. This secret door turned out to lead into an empty closet.

VIII. The Great Staircase

Total Losses/Loot



This line is important for posterity: All PCs received 1906 xp and 1273 gp.

DM was Planet Algol.

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Next: Clan of the Cave Frog

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